Renewal

My heart is changing. I've been astounded lately at how far away from God I am... yet how clearly He is calling me back to Himself. 

Sometimes it's so dang hard to obey. I've found this amazing passion for something that draws me nearer to God every single day... but never in the silence of my home. I want that. I want to be humbled and amazed when I sit and read of His great miracles, of His amazing grace. I want to be able to sit in silence and feel Him surround me, to fully trust that God is in control. I want to surrender all that I am... completely. 

I find that I make things about myself so often. It doesn't really matter what I want. I am tiny. Yet my God loves me. He died for ME. He chose ME. He called ME. How can I not want to abandon EVERYTHING and follow Him? How can I deny how great He is by thinking that I can do better than Him? I can't. I will never cease to fail. 

Cam and I are talking about reading through the Bible in a year. I found a few layouts and printed them off tonight. It makes me excited to think of how amazing it would be to actually do this together, to finish it, to open our hearts to God as we do this and come out 100% changed. I don't want to be the same me. I have a sinful heart and I hate it. I want to be like Christ. I want Him to be my only goal. 

One of my very dear friends has a blog and I read her latest post tonight, and it struck me hard. She was talking about how she worships music & worship sometimes. Oh I do to. I love singing... I know I can't sing worth a dime... but oh I love it. I love the sound of a good melody. I love the hum of a great voice. I love being able to hit a good note. I find that I get stuck in that rut of knowing 100's of worship songs and being tired of them... I've heard them sung countless times and I sing along without thinking... I want them to quit singing that same song when the words of that song are these:

"My heart and my soul, Lord, I give you control. Consume me from the inside out.

Let justice & praise become my embrace, to love you from the inside out."

How can we sing those words without knowing the depth of those words? How can we sing that without realizing that we are committing to something beyond ourselves, and it's so worth it... but it takes more than singing those words in a half-hearted manner. Oh it is SO MUCH MORE than that. 

So now I sit and I wonder at His saving grace. How great He is... that He would call us His own, even as our thoughts betray us. What a mighty God we serve. 

Be blessed. 

I meet with a girl tomorrow to talk about abortion... oh please pray. She wants information and I feel so unworthy to be the one talking to her. But with God's grace and words, may she walk out with the truth.

I am Tired.

It's a little discouraging to read the last post that I wrote and realize how short my emotional span is right now. I find that daily my moods change. It's frustrating. And it's all because of trying to wean myself off of a stupid pill. Oh anti-depressants... how I hate you. But how I love them as well. 

It's a hard balance for me. I know I need them, as I am biologically inclined to depression. It's not really a situational thing for me... although that can affect it. But man, oh man, it's ridiculous how much one pill can affect everything. I don't want to be on them because we're starting to think about kids... and I don't want to mess our babies up! And I also really don't want to find out I'm pregnant one day and have to abruptly stop taking them. That would probably be 100 times worse than this slow descent. But it makes me tired. I talked about how much I love what I do at the pregnancy center in my last post... and yet here I am today, not going in because I am exhausted and worn out. 

It's so tempting to isolate myself.

..... I'm so very tired of waiting for kids. I want a child with every breath I take. I think about it all the time. I long for the feeling of a growing stomach every day. But I'm trying to learn to trust. My greatest fear is that I won't be able to get pregnant... that I will never experience labour & welcoming a child into the world that is partly Cam and partly me. Oh I want that so desperately. Last night I cried for about an hour... just because I'm so scared. I hate it. I wish that somehow I would be able to magically snap my fingers and just TRUST God. He knows the plans that He has for us. He knows our babies birth dates... whether they are biologically ours, or adopted. He knows everything that happens in my body, and in Cam's. He knows the amount of hairs on the heads of our children. Oh but how I cannot wait to feel the weight of a baby in my arms, knowing that he/she are ours forever. I've dreamed of that for years... and now I just feel so ready. So very ready. 

But it's a waiting game... Waiting for my husband to be ready. 

...Waiting for my body to accept a baby. 

...Waiting... And praying. 

Please pray with me.

A New Season...

Here we are... the beginning of a new season. And how good it is. 

It's been a while since I last posted on this here blog... and I thought perhaps it was time again. The last couple months have been months of rest and renewal. God has been so so good to Cam and I. Life is now very different from what it was in May though. 

Cam owns his own company now... Atomic Framing! And he's been doing amazing at finding work, and we've been so blessed already! Our marriage has grown in leaps and bounds since he finished school... so awesome!

I took June & July off of work here at CBC... so I just came back on August 4th. I only work Mondays & Thursdays here now. And with my Tuesdays & Wednesdays, I am at a Pregnancy Center in the area. I have loved every minute of being there. God has just opened up so many doors for me now that I am walking in what He has called me to. There is still transition happening for us... but it's great! 

I am just amazed by what God has been doing... and have been so challenged lately to pursue Him deeper, both individually and through my marriage with Cam. We are so lucky, and so very blessed. 

And there goes my little update... I hope to begin writing more often about the things that I encounter, and the things that God teaches me... after all, that was the intention of this blog in the first place. Sometimes I get a little stuck on how much or how little I should write though... hmmm... oh well! :) 

I hope that today is a day full of overwhelming blessings! :)

What a week...

So... I've had a really hard week so far. And it's only Tuesday. 

On Saturday evening, we had the CBC graduation banquet... and I had to say goodbye to some amazing friends that night. For those of you that know me, I don't do well with goodbyes. 

I drove away after some huge hugs and sad words, and bawled my eyes out. 

The hardest part of these goodbyes is that it's a very likely possibility that I will not

see some of these people ever again. When you say goodbye knowing that you

may see this person in a few months, or even a year, it's okay... because you know that

this isn't the end of your time knowing each other in person. I am a very physical person... 

so touch and nearness is important for me. I like to look people in the eyes. 

I do not like facebook. It can drive you crazy... waiting to hear from friends. 

Waiting for emails. Waiting to hear that people got home safely. 

So all in all... I have had a sad week so far. I've cried many tears. I've held many more back. 

To those dear friends who I came to love and cherish this past year, 

whether it was by going on UMA with you, or visiting me at my desk daily, 

or sharing meals in the cafeteria... I will miss you dearly. 

I hope and pray that God will let us meet again one day. 

Life As it Is...

Today, I feel good. I feel ready to handle anything. 

I don't often feel this way. I like feeling this way. I know that I want so much more from life right now, but I need to be patient on God's timing. 

I've been reading a few really incredible women's blogs. I know I've mentioned them before... but oh boy... they challenge me to want to take more pictures, they challenge me to want to write more on my blog, they challenge me to research how on earth to be a great mom when I'm given that gift. Oh I want what they have. I want that peace deep within my soul, knowing that God has gifted me with blessing after blessing. 

Not that I don't have a good life. Oh I do. I have the best husband in the world. I have a good job. I work with amazing people. We have a beautiful home. I have great friends, and an awesome family. I serve the One & Only God of the Universe. He loves ME. How could life not be great?!?! 

Oh... and... I'm taking a cake decorating course. With my amazing friend, Dana. And my incredible cousin, Kayla. We have incredibly fun times together. And make beautiful things. This Wednesday is our LAST night doing this. And we are going to have amazing cakes by the time it's done! I'll put up some pictures of what we've done once I have everything done! :) :) 

Okay... so I seriously feel like this blog is lacking anything fantastic. I need to think of some sort of something to keep me going in this. A 30 day challenge or something. Hmm... good idea!! And I want to take pictures more... since I have an awesome new iPhone, it even has a flash. I could take phenomenal pictures with it! PERFECT! :) 

So I'll let y'all know once I have something figured out for writing more frequently. :) That is... if anybody actually reads what I write. Ah well... maybe one day.  

Another Day... Another Dollar...

Here I go... working again :) Same as ever, really. But boy am I sick right now... sooo stuffy. It's a horrendous feeling.

So I've started reading some blogs... and have been so challenged by the women's journeys with their children. A couple to be named are the mom, and enjoying the small things. I have loved reading these, and have been brought close to tears by the roads that they have walked. It's through things such as these that I realize how easy I have it. I may not be totally content in life right now... and I may get frustrated easily at how I don't feel that I'm living up to my potential. But I am so blessed. God has given me far and above what I deserve in this lifetime already! 

My lovely cousin Kayla, my friend Dana, and I are planning on attending a cake decorating class starting next week... and I am so excited!!! All three of us feel the need to "do" something tangible. And this is the best thing we can think of so far!! Haha! I will post some pictures once we actually create something :) 

So there is a slice of my life... once again. I really should do this more often :) I enjoy it so when I do!!

Oh Blogging...

So... since I've been terrible at this. I will no longer beat myself up for not posting. It's been a LONG few months. I've been terribly exhausted and not feeling well. Cam and I are trying to make some pretty significant decisions... and I'm about at the end of my rope emotionally and physically. 

So therefore... I have not been blogging. I feel like these should be about happy things. Telling about the good and exciting things going on... not the overly overwhelming and not happy things. 

I've been in counselling... YAY! And it's actually amazing. I love the woman that I've been seeing. She has helped me be challenged and realize some of the things that I need to do in order to move forward in life... like write my life story. I'm at age three... and I've been stuck there for weeks. I just get scared that I'm starting this horribly uphill journey and don't know where I'll end up at the end of it. I know I'll be better for it though. It's also scary to think about reliving each and every horrible moment that has happened in my life... and, boy, are some of those moments not good. I'll admit... I'm scared. And weak. But I know that God wants this for me... to finally be rid of the past, and more than able to move on into the future that He has planned for Cam & I. What an awesome God we serve. 

So there's my short and sweet update on where I'm at. I'm sick, and tired. And overwhelmed with life. But I have a God who loves me and wants only the best for me. And I also have a husband whose patience never seems to fail, and who amazes me with his incredible ability to love me. 

If you think of us... pray for us :) It's a long journey that we're on right now. 

Blessings, and hopeful wishes... E.