I am Tired.

It's a little discouraging to read the last post that I wrote and realize how short my emotional span is right now. I find that daily my moods change. It's frustrating. And it's all because of trying to wean myself off of a stupid pill. Oh anti-depressants... how I hate you. But how I love them as well. 

It's a hard balance for me. I know I need them, as I am biologically inclined to depression. It's not really a situational thing for me... although that can affect it. But man, oh man, it's ridiculous how much one pill can affect everything. I don't want to be on them because we're starting to think about kids... and I don't want to mess our babies up! And I also really don't want to find out I'm pregnant one day and have to abruptly stop taking them. That would probably be 100 times worse than this slow descent. But it makes me tired. I talked about how much I love what I do at the pregnancy center in my last post... and yet here I am today, not going in because I am exhausted and worn out. 

It's so tempting to isolate myself.

..... I'm so very tired of waiting for kids. I want a child with every breath I take. I think about it all the time. I long for the feeling of a growing stomach every day. But I'm trying to learn to trust. My greatest fear is that I won't be able to get pregnant... that I will never experience labour & welcoming a child into the world that is partly Cam and partly me. Oh I want that so desperately. Last night I cried for about an hour... just because I'm so scared. I hate it. I wish that somehow I would be able to magically snap my fingers and just TRUST God. He knows the plans that He has for us. He knows our babies birth dates... whether they are biologically ours, or adopted. He knows everything that happens in my body, and in Cam's. He knows the amount of hairs on the heads of our children. Oh but how I cannot wait to feel the weight of a baby in my arms, knowing that he/she are ours forever. I've dreamed of that for years... and now I just feel so ready. So very ready. 

But it's a waiting game... Waiting for my husband to be ready. 

...Waiting for my body to accept a baby. 

...Waiting... And praying. 

Please pray with me.