Monday, September 19, 2011

Renewal

My heart is changing. I've been astounded lately at how far away from God I am... yet how clearly He is calling me back to Himself. 
Sometimes it's so dang hard to obey. I've found this amazing passion for something that draws me nearer to God every single day... but never in the silence of my home. I want that. I want to be humbled and amazed when I sit and read of His great miracles, of His amazing grace. I want to be able to sit in silence and feel Him surround me, to fully trust that God is in control. I want to surrender all that I am... completely. 

I find that I make things about myself so often. It doesn't really matter what I want. I am tiny. Yet my God loves me. He died for ME. He chose ME. He called ME. How can I not want to abandon EVERYTHING and follow Him? How can I deny how great He is by thinking that I can do better than Him? I can't. I will never cease to fail. 
Cam and I are talking about reading through the Bible in a year. I found a few layouts and printed them off tonight. It makes me excited to think of how amazing it would be to actually do this together, to finish it, to open our hearts to God as we do this and come out 100% changed. I don't want to be the same me. I have a sinful heart and I hate it. I want to be like Christ. I want Him to be my only goal. 

One of my very dear friends has a blog and I read her latest post tonight, and it struck me hard. She was talking about how she worships music & worship sometimes. Oh I do to. I love singing... I know I can't sing worth a dime... but oh I love it. I love the sound of a good melody. I love the hum of a great voice. I love being able to hit a good note. I find that I get stuck in that rut of knowing 100's of worship songs and being tired of them... I've heard them sung countless times and I sing along without thinking... I want them to quit singing that same song when the words of that song are these:
"My heart and my soul, Lord, I give you control. Consume me from the inside out.
Let justice & praise become my embrace, to love you from the inside out."

How can we sing those words without knowing the depth of those words? How can we sing that without realizing that we are committing to something beyond ourselves, and it's so worth it... but it takes more than singing those words in a half-hearted manner. Oh it is SO MUCH MORE than that. 

So now I sit and I wonder at His saving grace. How great He is... that He would call us His own, even as our thoughts betray us. What a mighty God we serve. 
Be blessed. 

I meet with a girl tomorrow to talk about abortion... oh please pray. She wants information and I feel so unworthy to be the one talking to her. But with God's grace and words, may she walk out with the truth.

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