The significance of Joy

Yesterday, I had a friend/cousin come up to me and tell me that my joy made his day. This was said to me on a day that was horrible for me. I felt gross, and not happy in any sense of the word. And yet... my joy impacted someone. My question was, what joy? It made me realize how real God is in me, and how He uses me even on the bad days. Cool.

We had care group last night. We're watching a series on Philippians. It's great. I've missed 2 out of four... because I'm lame. But... the one last night struck me. He was talking about the inspiration of our hearts. The pride that lives in us. And asking if we see everyone as having souls... whether it's the waiter in a restaurant, or the garbage man, or a homeless person on the street. Do they have souls when I look at them? Does the crappy driver that cuts me off and makes me upset have a soul to me? That was a challenge!! I think we make ourselves feel better by pretending/believing that we are better than these people, and that they don't matter like we do. We take pride in ourselves. In what we do, in what we have, in what we think we're entitled to. It makes me sick. I am honestly disgusted at the pride in me. God is revealing a lot to me lately, in the midst of these hard struggles. He's teaching me that I am prideful. I think I'm entitled to being a mom... that isn't true. I will be a mom if God blesses me in that. I think I'm entitled to happiness... where in the Bible does it say that? We find JOY in Christ... which is very different than happiness. I don't want to just be happy, I want to be joyful. I want to shine the light of Christ. EVERYWHERE!

I find myself stunned in my seat when I realize the extent of my misconceptions about life. The selfishness of my motivations sometimes. It's a little scary. I want so much to be Christlike, and I want to seek Him in everything... but then I'm here and I'm selfish and rude and frustrated over stupid things, and I don't love people like I should. And I feel so inadequate for God's grace.

One of the most significant things that struck me in the video last night was how the speaker talked about Christ's death. Jesus could've stopped the process at any time. The hands that grabbed him, He made those muscles. The cross that He was nailed to, He formed those trees from nothing. He could've stopped it. But He CHOSE to die a sinners death for me. What an awesome God we serve. Oh man. Floors me.

Life is short. Lets live it up... and serve God with all we are and have. Amen?!

E.

A time to Laugh, and a time to Cry.

Well... I think it's time I wrote something again. I've been thinking about doing this for a few days now, but find that time is escaping me often... that and the fact that I'm not sure what I'm going to write, and whether its okay to write it all down or not. 

Right now... life is tough. Cam and I are refocusing life... and redefining who we are as a couple and how we live together and treat each other. And that's HARD. It's a long and tiring journey. And we have only just begun. Today my sister (who is by far the best sister in the entire world) sent me a verse of encouragement, and I would like to share it... 

"Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
He has preserved our lives 
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance." (Psalm 66:8-12)  

This struck me as very significant to where we are right now, and where I personally am. As it says in the New Testament as well... let us rejoice when we suffer for Jesus' namesake. I want to live that life! I want to be a rejoicer in every circumstance, good or bad. I want to stand out as one of God's chosen ones, because I am leaning wholly on Him to support me in every minute of every day and in every situation. I know that I cannot do this myself. There is no way. Day one: I would fail. I know that. God is so much greater that me, and His ways are perfect, and far beyond what I could even begin to imagine for myself. What a great blessing that I know this God, and that He loves me. 

I also need to do a little shout-out to my friends... the ones who love me even when I'm crazy, and when I'm selfish, and when I'm depressing. I have the most amazing friends in the world. One of whom is my mom... and not a lot of women can say that. God has blessed me with her as my mother, my confidant, and one of my best friends. I tell more to my mom than I do to most of my friends. She knows me inside and out... even if she couldn't tell you what my favorite meal would be. She knows my heart. She knows my hurts and my joys. I love my mom. 

And so, here I am. Learning & growing. I can feel God moving in my life right now. And boy is it phenomenal. Scary... because I know how closely suffering is tied to God's movement in His loved ones. And because I don't know what life will look like on the other side. But maybe that's the most exciting part... trusting in His plan. 

What an awesome God we serve. Tonight, I missed Vespers at CBC. I usually go... because I only get to go to the church service every second week, since I help in the nursery... but tonight class finished super early, and I feel gross, so I decided to come home and do this. And I am so glad. I process best when I write things down. And I see more of what God is doing, and how He's really challenging me when I write it on paper, or I guess, type it on a computer :) 

I pray that as you read this... and as you ponder God's movement in your life, that you would see Him. That you would want more... and that you would not be content with a "normal" life. I'm not... that's why Cam & I are at this redefining place... I am not content with the simple life. May God show you how precious you are to Him, and how He wants to use you for His sole purposes. 

Much love, Emily Michelle Kasper

** I just want to share how much I love my last name. Sometimes I see it written down, and am reminded of the amazing man that I married, and boy does it make me smile. I'm so glad to be Cam's wife. :)

sigh... weekend time :)

It's finally almost the weekend... 9 hours and I'm free for two & a half days. I feel like that's what I count down for all the time... sheesh. :)

Last night I spent time with two incredible friends of mine. We talked, and laughed, and cried together. They challenge me with their questions and views on life, and they inspire me with their huge hearts. I am blessed to know these women. We also ended up talking a lot about death, and fatality. It was intense. And made me once again stop and realize how short life is, and how our joys should be ongoing, and found in everything. "the joy of the Lord is my strength." That is one of my favorite bible verses... and it has been given to me by many people as encouragement over the years. But boy, do I feel like I'm failiing in that right now. I can't help by feel like my life is short, and I have right now to make a difference, even if it's in one person's life. I think I can do that... with God's help.

I'm thinking of maybe starting helping out with a ministry at Central Heights Church. It's a ministry that stirs my heart. There's a single mom's group that meets, and they need child care. God has put women and children in my heart, especially single parents though. And I've seen how He has reaffirmed that over the years for me... like now, I help in the nursery at Northview, and I have two favorite kids, and the one, I knew his dad was a single dad. But then recently I found out that my favorite little girl's mom is a single mom too. And somehow those were the kids that I was drawn to the most. I think that's pretty cool. God works in crazy ways. I'm excited to see how He'll work in me next.

I have the most incredible husband... I just want to share that. He's the most funny and loving person that I know. :) I love coming home every evening and being able to just hug him for a while. Knowing that he's always there when I need him, and when he needs me, I can be there. I am SO blessed with this man. It's also amazing for me to see how I am a very emotionally unstable person, but he listens and loves me through it all. His patience is something that I truely admire. So for anybody that needs a good friend... my husband is the best friend that you would ever find :)

And here I shall sign off... and start my work for this Friday in October. It feels like fall today. It's beautiful. I've never really liked fall, but this year, I am just loving the colors and the crisp days where the sun shines, but there's still a bite in the air.

Blessings on you,

Emily

Who am I?

This is a strange thing for me to just be figuring out... but it is. I came home from UMA more myself than I had been in a long time. And then I've slowly felt myself pulling away from that. Because when I am myself... I don't fit in. At least not the way that I think I should. Which doesn't make sense... and is very confusing. I find that I slip into my designated role as a wife, and become who my husband thinks I should be (he's not a bad person, this is my misconceptions) or become who my parents "think" I should be. Or whatever I need to be at my job... and put on this crazy and ridiculous front that is overwhelming and tiring to continue. But I don't know how to stop. I didn't even conciously notice myself doing it this time, but then all of a sudden last night God shook me and I realized I had done it again. I don't know how to stop doing this. And I don't know how to be who God would have me be when I am not where I think God would have me. I'm where I think I should be, and where is most comfortable for Cam & I. So many questions... and no answers just yet...

So if you think of it... pray for me. I'm on a steep learning curve, and I need to finally get to the place where I am who I need to be. Where I am me... no matter the situation.

Em.

Pomegranates & Grey's Anatomy.

So this is my evening... as most are. I am watching Grey's Anatomy and will be eating a pomegranate the minute I'm done writing this. What an overemotional tv show. I'm on season six... so only one season behind... but oh boy... it is addicting. I don't know why. Maybe it's the honesty and reality of all that can happen in life. The fine balance between life and death. 

Today was a long, long day. I was in meetings most of the day... and when I was at my desk finally, it felt so high stress. But I went to the gym!! That is one of my goals... and I got to spend a bit of time with my friend Dana while working out... which is great!! She is super cool. And seriously.... I need to work out more. I feel very unhealthy and not in shape. And I want to have muscles, and be well-toned... haha... I sound so very vain right there. 


Boring post... I know. I'm distracted and thinking a whole heck of a lot. Today I feel like I want a baby... as I usually do. But especially today. Oh man. I need patience. 


Waiting patiently... 


Em

Slacking.

Today I am lazy. Yet, I think I may be wrong to say that about myself... since I'm writing this right now as I'm taking a break from writing a 8-10 page research essay, which is blowing my mind and knocking my socks off!! It's intense... and takes a LONG time to write. I want to fly through it and be done... but i guess RESEARCH has to happen for it to finish, and the 5 hours that I have working on it so far have generated 2 3/4 pages of writing... GAH! 

I have also slacked off from taking time to write on my blog... mostly, I think it'd because I would use my down time at work to write in it... and this week, I haven't had much down time at work. Haha. It's gotten CRAZY! And I love it. :) 

We had our third and final Thanksgiving dinner for the year yesterday and it was YUMMY!! I love love love spending time with the extended Kasper family. We even took a family picture, which I have to say that I love. I know that it's already changed from the picture we took yesterday, but to be able to get all of the families together and document this stage of our lives was incredible. And to look at it and honestly... there is no conflict in that family. WOW. People have been lost along the way... Uncle John died. I never met him... but he left behind a wife and two amazing sons, who have phenomenal wives and now a grandchild who probably would've loved her grandpa, and another one on the way. But it's still a solid, dedicated family. I love this family that I married into. I am so grateful for them. 

I am also grateful for this man who I like to call my hubby. He's currently leaning on our island in the kitchen and doing his drafting homework and singing "Only the Lonely" in a VERY deep voice. Oh... now it got higher. :) He is my constant amusement... and he brings me a whole whackload of joy! I never knew that marriage could be so good. We have our struggles. But when we sit down and talk about our miscommunications and our failings, we see each other, and understand each other. And then we grow, and love more, and flourish. 

Sigh... Last night I held Elena... lots. Boy, do I ever love that little rascal. I cannot wait to be a mom. I think that it will be the most incredible gift... to have a child to raise, and teach about God's incredible love & grace. I want that responsibility. I want that love. 

Time to get back to work and quit slacking... 

Em

Polite but Uncaring... Am I?

So today, we had a post UMA trip debrief and one of the students made a profound statement when talking about what will stick with her from our weekend in Vancouver. She said that we live in a society that is polite but uncaring. This struck me as absolute truth. Everyone in the room stopped and was silent for a minute, and I think we all felt the truth of those words hit us. How often am I that uncaring person? How often am I just polite, because I don't want to care that day? I hope that as those words have reverberated in my soul, that they would in yours too. Are we those people? If we say that we live in a society that is this way... are we not a part of that very society? Oh, I pray to God that I am not one of those people. I want the world to see me as separate... as a child of the Most High. 

Last night, I had the amazing opportunity to hang out with an incredible little girl... Elena Joy. Boy, do I love this little girl :) She is one of Cam's cousins daughter's. She is also the first grandbaby on that side of the family. And she has her own unique struggles. She was born with Spina Bifida, and that sounded very grim to all of us the day that she made her entrance into this world. She's 4 months old now... and has amazed all of us with her growth! God has worked miracles in this precious baby's life. And I love that I can be a part of that life, and continue to see how God will work. She also has amazing parents, who love her more than she will ever understand. I love to spend time cuddling this little one, especially when she's asleep and so very peaceful... because when she isn't asleep, she is more than able to scream up a storm! :) 

That being said... I am set on writing a paper tonight. This semester, I've been able to take an evening class at CBC, and am loving it. It also happens to be on Tuesday nights and finishes just before Vespers... so that's a HUGE bonus for me!! Back to the topic... I get to write an 8-10 page research paper on a specific learning disability. I have chosen to write on non-verbal learning disorders in children with Spina Bifida. And as strange as it is, I'm excited to learn more about this... because maybe one day that beautiful little girl will struggle with one of more of these things. 

Last thing that I need to share today... I didn't realize how much I've needed personal & professional encouragement lately, until I've been constantly getting it. I've had random students and staff members approach me and thank me for being how I am, and for the joy and light that I daily bring to them. And it moves me... I can make a difference. I think that is the most mind-blowing thing for me. I feel as though I am incapable of changing anything where I am, but I still try to talk to people, and get to know names of students, and know what is going on in their lives. I don't want to just be another face. I also don't want them to feel like one face of many. I want them to know that they matter, and maybe it's a random receptionist knowing their name, and asking what they had for breakfast... haha. I want to be that random person... so that I can put smiles on people's faces. That is what brings me joy. 

I feel like I'm supposed to end this with a prayer.... haha. It feels like I was just preaching or sharing my soul. Whew! Intense stuff for me. :) 

Off to writing I go... 

Emily