Happiness.

Happiness to me is...

Feeling my baby moving inside of me.

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Watching the sunshine from my window at work.

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Hubby putting his head on my tummy & talking to baby.

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Thanking Jesus for his many gifts.

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Finalizing details on our house purchase.

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Knowing God is in control.

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Planning baby's nursery (albeit, in my head).

 

 

My list may seem odd, and all over the place. But right now, happiness is many things every single day. Not to say that I don't have moments of sheer terror & feel absolutely overwhelmed by all of life right now, but overall, God has been so faithful to us & is walking us through so much.

 

It's amazing to be pregnant.

It's amazing to be buying a house.

It's amazing to love my husband this much, and know he loves me just as much.

 

It's amazing to have a God who works for us.

Life in a Nutshell

So apparently I'm REALLY bad at writing in this blog. I find that I want to - but then I'm a little overwhelmed by life, or don't have internet (like... this whole past year), or just don't make the time to share.

 

We are having a baby. I am astounded again & again by God's goodness and grace towards us. As hard as life can become, He gave us this amazing gift growing in my belly. Wow.

 

Our story to get pregnant has not been an easy one.

 

It was overwhelming, it was long, and it was very painful. We were trying for a couple years. But we knew we were young, so didn't seek any medical help for about a year & a half or so after starting to try.

 

Last September we saw the specialist in Vancouver. They started poking & prodding, which I was VERY used to by this point. Cam... not so much.

 

We were told that I have PCOS, which basically means I don't ovulate regularly... which means I could go for months without getting my period. Not fun when you're desperately trying to conceive said baby.

 

We were then told that Cam's swimmers had low motility.

 

Basically... we were not going to get pregnant without me being on something to stimulate ovulation, and then probably we'd have to try IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination - ie. the turkey baster) and if that didn't work, we'd have to see from there.

 

I came to terms. At least we had answers. At least we knew there were things we could try. We found all of this out right after Christmas. Our next appointment was scheduled for February 5th.

 

On January 26th, when I was about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, I got my first positive pregnancy test. And spent the next 10 minutes until Cam came home on my knees crying & thanking Jesus.

 

This is our miracle baby. And we are SO thankful for him/her. This baby has parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents & great-grandparents who adore him/her already. We all prayed long and hard for this day to come. And it has.

 

That's my happy post for the day. I will try to get better at posting. Life right now is super overwhelming, and I've been experiencing all the lovely hormones that come along with pregnancy - what that means this week is I start crying at just about any given moment. Fun, I know. :)

 

Blessings on those of you who take a moment to rejoice with us & read this. We take no glory for this baby - we solely praise & thank the Almighty. He is the reason that we are thankful.

Transition

I am awfully exhausted right now. We moved in January - I don`t remember when I last wrote in my blog. But it`s a beautiful home. :) We have so much extra room, and we live out in the country, so Cam gets to shoot his guns, and it`s such a relaxed life we lead now! I love it. 

I am working again - as an Admin Assistant for a company. I kinda do everything. It`s tiring. My favorite part of the job is the Accounting stuff that I get to do - I wish that I could do that full time. For someone else. 

We have some really big decisions to make regarding where our life is heading right now - it`s exciting though. 

I absolutely love my husband. I just felt the need to throw that little tid bit in there :) He lights up my life. I can`t imagine living a day without him by my side. He`s so wonderful. 

We visited friends this week in Vancouver Children`s Hospital and I was humbled by their little guy. Nyjah is a fighter if I`ve ever seen one. I was reminded of how fragile life is, and how rarely we think of our absolute mortality. He is four months old - and has already been through two or three surgeries. I was also reminded in a big way of how badly I want to adopt one day. I am so proud and excited for our friends - they`ve wanted to be parents for so long and decided adoption was a way to do this. Nyjah is their first baby - and even though, because of his health problems, both adoption agencies told them to cancel the deal, they knew he was their little guy. What a gift. I am proud to know such amazing people. I just hope that one day I can love my children half as much as they love Nyjah. 

I also just want to express how awesome it was to see Cam VOLUNTEER to hold Nyjah!! FIRST TIME EVER! And... this was a baby with tubes and wires attached to his body. What an amazing father Cam will be one day. I can`t wait to see that!! :) 

Anyways - I`ll do my best to keep you all (by all, I mean maybe two of you readers) updated on where our life is heading. I forsee some BIG changes happening in the next year! Yay! 

And last - but not least - I am so grateful for how God has been changing Cam & I. We have both struggled time and again in our faith, and it feels like, for the first time, we are actually both growing in Christ. It`s an incredible opportunity to grow with your spouse in Christ. I am beyond blessed. God has really been working in and through us. 

Leave a comment or message me - anything - I love connecting with people that I haven`t in a long time. That, and, I like to know who actually reads my thoughts :)

Blessings, E.

Renewal

My heart is changing. I've been astounded lately at how far away from God I am... yet how clearly He is calling me back to Himself. 

Sometimes it's so dang hard to obey. I've found this amazing passion for something that draws me nearer to God every single day... but never in the silence of my home. I want that. I want to be humbled and amazed when I sit and read of His great miracles, of His amazing grace. I want to be able to sit in silence and feel Him surround me, to fully trust that God is in control. I want to surrender all that I am... completely. 

I find that I make things about myself so often. It doesn't really matter what I want. I am tiny. Yet my God loves me. He died for ME. He chose ME. He called ME. How can I not want to abandon EVERYTHING and follow Him? How can I deny how great He is by thinking that I can do better than Him? I can't. I will never cease to fail. 

Cam and I are talking about reading through the Bible in a year. I found a few layouts and printed them off tonight. It makes me excited to think of how amazing it would be to actually do this together, to finish it, to open our hearts to God as we do this and come out 100% changed. I don't want to be the same me. I have a sinful heart and I hate it. I want to be like Christ. I want Him to be my only goal. 

One of my very dear friends has a blog and I read her latest post tonight, and it struck me hard. She was talking about how she worships music & worship sometimes. Oh I do to. I love singing... I know I can't sing worth a dime... but oh I love it. I love the sound of a good melody. I love the hum of a great voice. I love being able to hit a good note. I find that I get stuck in that rut of knowing 100's of worship songs and being tired of them... I've heard them sung countless times and I sing along without thinking... I want them to quit singing that same song when the words of that song are these:

"My heart and my soul, Lord, I give you control. Consume me from the inside out.

Let justice & praise become my embrace, to love you from the inside out."

How can we sing those words without knowing the depth of those words? How can we sing that without realizing that we are committing to something beyond ourselves, and it's so worth it... but it takes more than singing those words in a half-hearted manner. Oh it is SO MUCH MORE than that. 

So now I sit and I wonder at His saving grace. How great He is... that He would call us His own, even as our thoughts betray us. What a mighty God we serve. 

Be blessed. 

I meet with a girl tomorrow to talk about abortion... oh please pray. She wants information and I feel so unworthy to be the one talking to her. But with God's grace and words, may she walk out with the truth.

I am Tired.

It's a little discouraging to read the last post that I wrote and realize how short my emotional span is right now. I find that daily my moods change. It's frustrating. And it's all because of trying to wean myself off of a stupid pill. Oh anti-depressants... how I hate you. But how I love them as well. 

It's a hard balance for me. I know I need them, as I am biologically inclined to depression. It's not really a situational thing for me... although that can affect it. But man, oh man, it's ridiculous how much one pill can affect everything. I don't want to be on them because we're starting to think about kids... and I don't want to mess our babies up! And I also really don't want to find out I'm pregnant one day and have to abruptly stop taking them. That would probably be 100 times worse than this slow descent. But it makes me tired. I talked about how much I love what I do at the pregnancy center in my last post... and yet here I am today, not going in because I am exhausted and worn out. 

It's so tempting to isolate myself.

..... I'm so very tired of waiting for kids. I want a child with every breath I take. I think about it all the time. I long for the feeling of a growing stomach every day. But I'm trying to learn to trust. My greatest fear is that I won't be able to get pregnant... that I will never experience labour & welcoming a child into the world that is partly Cam and partly me. Oh I want that so desperately. Last night I cried for about an hour... just because I'm so scared. I hate it. I wish that somehow I would be able to magically snap my fingers and just TRUST God. He knows the plans that He has for us. He knows our babies birth dates... whether they are biologically ours, or adopted. He knows everything that happens in my body, and in Cam's. He knows the amount of hairs on the heads of our children. Oh but how I cannot wait to feel the weight of a baby in my arms, knowing that he/she are ours forever. I've dreamed of that for years... and now I just feel so ready. So very ready. 

But it's a waiting game... Waiting for my husband to be ready. 

...Waiting for my body to accept a baby. 

...Waiting... And praying. 

Please pray with me.

A New Season...

Here we are... the beginning of a new season. And how good it is. 

It's been a while since I last posted on this here blog... and I thought perhaps it was time again. The last couple months have been months of rest and renewal. God has been so so good to Cam and I. Life is now very different from what it was in May though. 

Cam owns his own company now... Atomic Framing! And he's been doing amazing at finding work, and we've been so blessed already! Our marriage has grown in leaps and bounds since he finished school... so awesome!

I took June & July off of work here at CBC... so I just came back on August 4th. I only work Mondays & Thursdays here now. And with my Tuesdays & Wednesdays, I am at a Pregnancy Center in the area. I have loved every minute of being there. God has just opened up so many doors for me now that I am walking in what He has called me to. There is still transition happening for us... but it's great! 

I am just amazed by what God has been doing... and have been so challenged lately to pursue Him deeper, both individually and through my marriage with Cam. We are so lucky, and so very blessed. 

And there goes my little update... I hope to begin writing more often about the things that I encounter, and the things that God teaches me... after all, that was the intention of this blog in the first place. Sometimes I get a little stuck on how much or how little I should write though... hmmm... oh well! :) 

I hope that today is a day full of overwhelming blessings! :)

What a week...

So... I've had a really hard week so far. And it's only Tuesday. 

On Saturday evening, we had the CBC graduation banquet... and I had to say goodbye to some amazing friends that night. For those of you that know me, I don't do well with goodbyes. 

I drove away after some huge hugs and sad words, and bawled my eyes out. 

The hardest part of these goodbyes is that it's a very likely possibility that I will not

see some of these people ever again. When you say goodbye knowing that you

may see this person in a few months, or even a year, it's okay... because you know that

this isn't the end of your time knowing each other in person. I am a very physical person... 

so touch and nearness is important for me. I like to look people in the eyes. 

I do not like facebook. It can drive you crazy... waiting to hear from friends. 

Waiting for emails. Waiting to hear that people got home safely. 

So all in all... I have had a sad week so far. I've cried many tears. I've held many more back. 

To those dear friends who I came to love and cherish this past year, 

whether it was by going on UMA with you, or visiting me at my desk daily, 

or sharing meals in the cafeteria... I will miss you dearly. 

I hope and pray that God will let us meet again one day. 

Life As it Is...

Today, I feel good. I feel ready to handle anything. 

I don't often feel this way. I like feeling this way. I know that I want so much more from life right now, but I need to be patient on God's timing. 

I've been reading a few really incredible women's blogs. I know I've mentioned them before... but oh boy... they challenge me to want to take more pictures, they challenge me to want to write more on my blog, they challenge me to research how on earth to be a great mom when I'm given that gift. Oh I want what they have. I want that peace deep within my soul, knowing that God has gifted me with blessing after blessing. 

Not that I don't have a good life. Oh I do. I have the best husband in the world. I have a good job. I work with amazing people. We have a beautiful home. I have great friends, and an awesome family. I serve the One & Only God of the Universe. He loves ME. How could life not be great?!?! 

Oh... and... I'm taking a cake decorating course. With my amazing friend, Dana. And my incredible cousin, Kayla. We have incredibly fun times together. And make beautiful things. This Wednesday is our LAST night doing this. And we are going to have amazing cakes by the time it's done! I'll put up some pictures of what we've done once I have everything done! :) :) 

Okay... so I seriously feel like this blog is lacking anything fantastic. I need to think of some sort of something to keep me going in this. A 30 day challenge or something. Hmm... good idea!! And I want to take pictures more... since I have an awesome new iPhone, it even has a flash. I could take phenomenal pictures with it! PERFECT! :) 

So I'll let y'all know once I have something figured out for writing more frequently. :) That is... if anybody actually reads what I write. Ah well... maybe one day.  

Another Day... Another Dollar...

Here I go... working again :) Same as ever, really. But boy am I sick right now... sooo stuffy. It's a horrendous feeling.

So I've started reading some blogs... and have been so challenged by the women's journeys with their children. A couple to be named are the mom, and enjoying the small things. I have loved reading these, and have been brought close to tears by the roads that they have walked. It's through things such as these that I realize how easy I have it. I may not be totally content in life right now... and I may get frustrated easily at how I don't feel that I'm living up to my potential. But I am so blessed. God has given me far and above what I deserve in this lifetime already! 

My lovely cousin Kayla, my friend Dana, and I are planning on attending a cake decorating class starting next week... and I am so excited!!! All three of us feel the need to "do" something tangible. And this is the best thing we can think of so far!! Haha! I will post some pictures once we actually create something :) 

So there is a slice of my life... once again. I really should do this more often :) I enjoy it so when I do!!

Oh Blogging...

So... since I've been terrible at this. I will no longer beat myself up for not posting. It's been a LONG few months. I've been terribly exhausted and not feeling well. Cam and I are trying to make some pretty significant decisions... and I'm about at the end of my rope emotionally and physically. 

So therefore... I have not been blogging. I feel like these should be about happy things. Telling about the good and exciting things going on... not the overly overwhelming and not happy things. 

I've been in counselling... YAY! And it's actually amazing. I love the woman that I've been seeing. She has helped me be challenged and realize some of the things that I need to do in order to move forward in life... like write my life story. I'm at age three... and I've been stuck there for weeks. I just get scared that I'm starting this horribly uphill journey and don't know where I'll end up at the end of it. I know I'll be better for it though. It's also scary to think about reliving each and every horrible moment that has happened in my life... and, boy, are some of those moments not good. I'll admit... I'm scared. And weak. But I know that God wants this for me... to finally be rid of the past, and more than able to move on into the future that He has planned for Cam & I. What an awesome God we serve. 

So there's my short and sweet update on where I'm at. I'm sick, and tired. And overwhelmed with life. But I have a God who loves me and wants only the best for me. And I also have a husband whose patience never seems to fail, and who amazes me with his incredible ability to love me. 

If you think of us... pray for us :) It's a long journey that we're on right now. 

Blessings, and hopeful wishes... E.  

It's About Time!

So... as I have so miserably failed at keeping this blog up to date... I shall attempt to write something profound so that all those sad days without me will be erased ;)

My amazing husband and I got to go to Las Vegas this Christmas season! We had SO much fun. I felt so incredibly blessed by the love that he showed me in being there and resting with me. We went to Blue Man Group... AMAZING! We had so much fun. Cam enjoyed taking pictures with random characters on the street :) And we also went to Le Reve, which was phenomenal, but which I have no pictures of due to the sheer fact that they do not have mannequins of the characters around to pose with!  

So we also just spent time walking around the gorgeous hotels and seeing their beautiful Christmas displays! The Bellagio was phenomenal. If we ever go back to Vegas (which both of us have agreed is unlikely) we would probably stay there.

 And so... let me explain... Above left is the Bellagio entrance... oh lovely times :) And above right is a picture (handily taken by someone we later discovered was a professional potographer) across the street & in front of the Wynn hotel where we watched Le Reve!

What a trip!

And so... I shall leave you with that and wish everyone a happy new year. I am hoping to get some lovely Christmas pictures off of my amazing mother-in-law so that I can post some of the time that we got to spend with Cam's grandparents from Montreal... what a blessing they were to us. I can only hope & pray that we are able to see them again before they meet Jesus.

Alas, it is time for me to end this. Work began a while ago... and I really should be focussing on that :) It was about time I posted though... so here we are :)

Bye bye for now!

Missing people.

So I've been pondering how blessed I am lately... and boy, am I ever! My family is the BEST ever. I have two moms, two dads, 4 sisters, and one brother... I am  praying that I will eventually have 4 brothers too :) I am SO blessed.

Last night, I went out for coffee with one of the most incredible women I know, Quinea. And she made me so grateful that I have people like her in my life. I also realized that my family is not just my immediate family members... but I have two extra sisters... Rachael & Quinea. They are my family too. And I have a WHOLE BUNCH of extra cousins & aunts & uncles... all who I grew up with, and who watched me grow up, in Botswana. I appreciate every one of these people beyond what I could ever imagine.

Then I stand in the middle of it, and wonder how on earth I got to be so blessed. And how on earth is it possible that I ever feel lonely? But I am also sad, realizing that right now is a time where some of the very important people in my life are not here. Katie is on YWAM in Hawaii. Rachael is in Portugal on TREK. And Quinea is leaving for OM in South Africa for six months soon. I don't know how I'm going to be without those amazing women right here with me. But I also think it's super awesome how God is using these women all over the world to bless others. I guess I have to share them for a while :)

On another note... it snowed all day yesterday. I love snow. It is beautiful. I think I love it even more because I didn't grow up with it, but moved here when I was older and could appreciate the amazingness of it. Sigh... oh to be sitting at home in front of a fireplace right now & looking out at it. Instead... here I sit, at work, exhausted and wishing for the above :) :)

I guess that's enough of a post for now. I've been lagging behind in keeping up on here. I'm beginning a challenge to myself soon that was given to me by Quinea last night... to write out my life story, all the nitty gritties, and all the hard stuff, including emotions. Man, it's going to be hard. But I think God will bring healing through it... I hope... and pray.

Well friends... until next time. :)

From Now On.

Sometimes life isn't fun. Now is one of those times.

I don't know how I would handle life without my husband. He helps me stand when I feel I can't. He pushes me to be a stronger and better person in Christ. He helps me find my way when I can't see. We are on a long journey right now.

God is teaching me so much.

I no longer care what it is that I do in life, as long as my husband is by my side.

I know I've needed to come to that place. And I know some of you may have been concerned that I hadn't yet. I'm here. And it's good. I am also super slow at getting where I need to be in life. I learn things the hard way.

Life has not been very good to me. It's been hard.

But right now... it is good. But I'm still not okay. I'm not quite sure how I can be.

I need to talk about Cam a bit more... I feel that in all of my writing... he has been lacking. I love him so much. I've never known anyone with patience like him. I've never known anyone who loves so selflessly. I've never known anyone who can make me laugh like he can. I've never known anyone so handsome. I have been so blessed. I never thought that I would marry someone like Cam... he is one huge way that God has shown me how His plans are far greater than mine.

Cam is my husband. My best friend. The love of my life.

I cannot wait to grow old with him.

I think I've written enough for now. All I can ask is that you would pray.

For me. For Cam too... as he's walking a journey of discovery personally as well.

Sayonara. 

A New Day

So it's been a little while since I've written in my blog... I've had a little too much going on in life and haven't known what is safe to write, or what would be okay to write. Now I realized, maybe I don't have to be so worried about it. Maybe I can just talk about what God is teaching me... because oh my goodness, He is teaching me. 


I feel as though I'm in the process of letting everything go. I hold so tightly to everything, to my job, to my family, to problems... and I am being shown how weak I really am. And how little I really trust God. That's a terrifying realization... knowing that I am so unable to do anything on my own strength... but also learning to hold tightly onto the hope that Christ has given me. 


Last night I was able to spend time with two incredibly beautiful women who make me feel so blessed in my friendships with them. We talked for hours... and prayed for each other. And challenged each other. I am so so blessed with my friends. 


On another note though... one of my bestest friends, Rachael, just left for 7 1/2 months to go to Portugal on TREK. So exciting for her... but I am going to miss her like crazy. 


Cam and I are making some tough decisions right now that may affect where we are in the new year. And so, if you think of it... please pray for us. I am exhausted. I had to take a day off work this week because I couldn't keep going. I'm so tired. 


I get Elena for the afternoon today... so excited :)


Em

Birth Days..

Today is that day... where 21 years ago, my mama pushed and pushed, and out I came. haha. Gross. But seriously... today is my birthday. I really like birthdays. I never used to. But Cam's family has converted me into a birthday lover... because every single birthday, they make it a big deal. There is a theme and everything. Mine is Disney Princesses... YES! How awesome is that?! 

Anyways... celebrating. I don't do too much of that. I'm also extra super duper tired because I couldn't hardly sleep due to thinking excessively upon an issue which is hitting our school with force. Sigh. Enough on that...


I don't have a whole lot to write right now... the above mentioned thing has my mind rather occupied with processing. But all in all... I had a great birthday. Except for the pouring rain, but secretly, I love the pouring rain, but on the down side it does make me not want to work and rather be curled up in a super cosy blanket at home. The ladies at work took me out for lunch... I got the people at Red Robin's to sing to me... SCORE! Only four of them working at lunchtime... almost not worth it. They were most likely more embarrassed than me!! Haha... suckers. 


And so I leave you all... I am waiting for our friends to come over so that I can eat the yummy birthday cake that I made for myself :) I REALLY want to eat this thing... but I should be polite... shouldn't I?!?!


Emily.

The significance of Joy

Yesterday, I had a friend/cousin come up to me and tell me that my joy made his day. This was said to me on a day that was horrible for me. I felt gross, and not happy in any sense of the word. And yet... my joy impacted someone. My question was, what joy? It made me realize how real God is in me, and how He uses me even on the bad days. Cool.

We had care group last night. We're watching a series on Philippians. It's great. I've missed 2 out of four... because I'm lame. But... the one last night struck me. He was talking about the inspiration of our hearts. The pride that lives in us. And asking if we see everyone as having souls... whether it's the waiter in a restaurant, or the garbage man, or a homeless person on the street. Do they have souls when I look at them? Does the crappy driver that cuts me off and makes me upset have a soul to me? That was a challenge!! I think we make ourselves feel better by pretending/believing that we are better than these people, and that they don't matter like we do. We take pride in ourselves. In what we do, in what we have, in what we think we're entitled to. It makes me sick. I am honestly disgusted at the pride in me. God is revealing a lot to me lately, in the midst of these hard struggles. He's teaching me that I am prideful. I think I'm entitled to being a mom... that isn't true. I will be a mom if God blesses me in that. I think I'm entitled to happiness... where in the Bible does it say that? We find JOY in Christ... which is very different than happiness. I don't want to just be happy, I want to be joyful. I want to shine the light of Christ. EVERYWHERE!

I find myself stunned in my seat when I realize the extent of my misconceptions about life. The selfishness of my motivations sometimes. It's a little scary. I want so much to be Christlike, and I want to seek Him in everything... but then I'm here and I'm selfish and rude and frustrated over stupid things, and I don't love people like I should. And I feel so inadequate for God's grace.

One of the most significant things that struck me in the video last night was how the speaker talked about Christ's death. Jesus could've stopped the process at any time. The hands that grabbed him, He made those muscles. The cross that He was nailed to, He formed those trees from nothing. He could've stopped it. But He CHOSE to die a sinners death for me. What an awesome God we serve. Oh man. Floors me.

Life is short. Lets live it up... and serve God with all we are and have. Amen?!

E.

A time to Laugh, and a time to Cry.

Well... I think it's time I wrote something again. I've been thinking about doing this for a few days now, but find that time is escaping me often... that and the fact that I'm not sure what I'm going to write, and whether its okay to write it all down or not. 

Right now... life is tough. Cam and I are refocusing life... and redefining who we are as a couple and how we live together and treat each other. And that's HARD. It's a long and tiring journey. And we have only just begun. Today my sister (who is by far the best sister in the entire world) sent me a verse of encouragement, and I would like to share it... 

"Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
He has preserved our lives 
and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance." (Psalm 66:8-12)  

This struck me as very significant to where we are right now, and where I personally am. As it says in the New Testament as well... let us rejoice when we suffer for Jesus' namesake. I want to live that life! I want to be a rejoicer in every circumstance, good or bad. I want to stand out as one of God's chosen ones, because I am leaning wholly on Him to support me in every minute of every day and in every situation. I know that I cannot do this myself. There is no way. Day one: I would fail. I know that. God is so much greater that me, and His ways are perfect, and far beyond what I could even begin to imagine for myself. What a great blessing that I know this God, and that He loves me. 

I also need to do a little shout-out to my friends... the ones who love me even when I'm crazy, and when I'm selfish, and when I'm depressing. I have the most amazing friends in the world. One of whom is my mom... and not a lot of women can say that. God has blessed me with her as my mother, my confidant, and one of my best friends. I tell more to my mom than I do to most of my friends. She knows me inside and out... even if she couldn't tell you what my favorite meal would be. She knows my heart. She knows my hurts and my joys. I love my mom. 

And so, here I am. Learning & growing. I can feel God moving in my life right now. And boy is it phenomenal. Scary... because I know how closely suffering is tied to God's movement in His loved ones. And because I don't know what life will look like on the other side. But maybe that's the most exciting part... trusting in His plan. 

What an awesome God we serve. Tonight, I missed Vespers at CBC. I usually go... because I only get to go to the church service every second week, since I help in the nursery... but tonight class finished super early, and I feel gross, so I decided to come home and do this. And I am so glad. I process best when I write things down. And I see more of what God is doing, and how He's really challenging me when I write it on paper, or I guess, type it on a computer :) 

I pray that as you read this... and as you ponder God's movement in your life, that you would see Him. That you would want more... and that you would not be content with a "normal" life. I'm not... that's why Cam & I are at this redefining place... I am not content with the simple life. May God show you how precious you are to Him, and how He wants to use you for His sole purposes. 

Much love, Emily Michelle Kasper

** I just want to share how much I love my last name. Sometimes I see it written down, and am reminded of the amazing man that I married, and boy does it make me smile. I'm so glad to be Cam's wife. :)

sigh... weekend time :)

It's finally almost the weekend... 9 hours and I'm free for two & a half days. I feel like that's what I count down for all the time... sheesh. :)

Last night I spent time with two incredible friends of mine. We talked, and laughed, and cried together. They challenge me with their questions and views on life, and they inspire me with their huge hearts. I am blessed to know these women. We also ended up talking a lot about death, and fatality. It was intense. And made me once again stop and realize how short life is, and how our joys should be ongoing, and found in everything. "the joy of the Lord is my strength." That is one of my favorite bible verses... and it has been given to me by many people as encouragement over the years. But boy, do I feel like I'm failiing in that right now. I can't help by feel like my life is short, and I have right now to make a difference, even if it's in one person's life. I think I can do that... with God's help.

I'm thinking of maybe starting helping out with a ministry at Central Heights Church. It's a ministry that stirs my heart. There's a single mom's group that meets, and they need child care. God has put women and children in my heart, especially single parents though. And I've seen how He has reaffirmed that over the years for me... like now, I help in the nursery at Northview, and I have two favorite kids, and the one, I knew his dad was a single dad. But then recently I found out that my favorite little girl's mom is a single mom too. And somehow those were the kids that I was drawn to the most. I think that's pretty cool. God works in crazy ways. I'm excited to see how He'll work in me next.

I have the most incredible husband... I just want to share that. He's the most funny and loving person that I know. :) I love coming home every evening and being able to just hug him for a while. Knowing that he's always there when I need him, and when he needs me, I can be there. I am SO blessed with this man. It's also amazing for me to see how I am a very emotionally unstable person, but he listens and loves me through it all. His patience is something that I truely admire. So for anybody that needs a good friend... my husband is the best friend that you would ever find :)

And here I shall sign off... and start my work for this Friday in October. It feels like fall today. It's beautiful. I've never really liked fall, but this year, I am just loving the colors and the crisp days where the sun shines, but there's still a bite in the air.

Blessings on you,

Emily

Who am I?

This is a strange thing for me to just be figuring out... but it is. I came home from UMA more myself than I had been in a long time. And then I've slowly felt myself pulling away from that. Because when I am myself... I don't fit in. At least not the way that I think I should. Which doesn't make sense... and is very confusing. I find that I slip into my designated role as a wife, and become who my husband thinks I should be (he's not a bad person, this is my misconceptions) or become who my parents "think" I should be. Or whatever I need to be at my job... and put on this crazy and ridiculous front that is overwhelming and tiring to continue. But I don't know how to stop. I didn't even conciously notice myself doing it this time, but then all of a sudden last night God shook me and I realized I had done it again. I don't know how to stop doing this. And I don't know how to be who God would have me be when I am not where I think God would have me. I'm where I think I should be, and where is most comfortable for Cam & I. So many questions... and no answers just yet...

So if you think of it... pray for me. I'm on a steep learning curve, and I need to finally get to the place where I am who I need to be. Where I am me... no matter the situation.

Em.

Pomegranates & Grey's Anatomy.

So this is my evening... as most are. I am watching Grey's Anatomy and will be eating a pomegranate the minute I'm done writing this. What an overemotional tv show. I'm on season six... so only one season behind... but oh boy... it is addicting. I don't know why. Maybe it's the honesty and reality of all that can happen in life. The fine balance between life and death. 

Today was a long, long day. I was in meetings most of the day... and when I was at my desk finally, it felt so high stress. But I went to the gym!! That is one of my goals... and I got to spend a bit of time with my friend Dana while working out... which is great!! She is super cool. And seriously.... I need to work out more. I feel very unhealthy and not in shape. And I want to have muscles, and be well-toned... haha... I sound so very vain right there. 


Boring post... I know. I'm distracted and thinking a whole heck of a lot. Today I feel like I want a baby... as I usually do. But especially today. Oh man. I need patience. 


Waiting patiently... 


Em